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no room for hipsters

the occupation of Ashley and Levon

[ from a. addair who is listening to Bill Evans (The best of Bill Evans Live) ]

It is different this year in Mexico.  As I was last year, I am glad for warmth in the winter months and grateful for our friends here.  I still relish the brightly painted walls; I admire the practical construction of houses and the scaled-down methods of lifestyle.  I feel very lucky to be here.

But I am different than last year.  A year full of every-days have rendered me changed.  The moments from last February to this one are expressing themselves as a creature who loves to work and misses, with near hysterical pangs, waking up in the morning to paint.   A creature who feels a heaving need to be near and available to a small community of family and friends.  A creature who has learned that she needs a nest and a small portion of everyday in uninterrupted solitude.  A creature who is learning to be open and generous with her resources.  And a creature who is shedding frantic busyness for quiet and carefully prioritized commitments.

This creature is me, but I hadn’t known of her evolution until I returned here and measured her against the same winter Mexican sun, the Conejo bus that goes to el centro, and the soft but strong, irregular mountains of Chiapas.

I’m here, acutely aware of my recent and strange pelt, without the comforts and familiarity of home and every twilight brings a stab of melancholy nostalgia.

But I know that I don’t want to be yesteryear’s me or even go home as the me of a few weeks ago.  I want my time in Mexico to be accounted for in the expression of this creature who I may not know, once again, in another year’s time.

And  so…

well, I’m not certain.

And so, I suppose, I will engage with my days while I am here.  I think that probably my time in Mexico will be a collection of moments for warmth, for easing into the acknowledgment of my new skin, and resolving to appropriately prioritize when we return.  And I imagine the discomfort will find its place in this sketch that has yet to be revealed to me.

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