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no room for hipsters

the occupation of Ashley and Levon

[ from a. addair who is listening to Fatboy Slim (You’ve Come A Long Way, Baby) ]

as for knowing if you love someone and then if you should marry him…

the longer i’ve been married, my view of this question has become less romantic. i think the question is more about deciding if you want to commit to a life-long relationship. this is a difficult and laborious commitment but one that, i think, has deeply sweet fruits. i haven’t been married for very long (in the wide scope of things) so i am far from a full understanding of my vow. so far i can say that it has been more difficult than it has been fun. but i do feel that i have a priceless friend that (given my character traits), i would not have outside of marriage. i think that this is of value and will continue to become more valuable the longer we commit to it.

deciding if this sort of arrangement aligns with your values and priorities is the first question (i think its okay if it doesn’t).

after this, the specific person you chose becomes less important. i say that because, whoever you marry will grow and change and not be the person you originally picked. and also because, no matter who you pick, you will learn their flaws and forget their beauty and be sometimes annoyed and sometimes you will loathe them (well, i do at least).

not to say that you shouldn’t be diligent and thoughtful in the choosing of a partner. but i guess, the most important thing to consider is if the person has the same commitment and expectations and values for marriage. and after that it just gets down to preferences. think about the things that are most important to you and make sure that those things are supported and valued by your partner and vice versa. i guess i’m saying that feelings of love don’t answer this question. feelings about/for a person are indicators of something going on inside of you and it is good to try and understand what they are pointing to. but they don’t know how to make decisions (especially life-long vows).

one of my favorite things about being married to Levon: his Pappaw

on being attracted to other men…

sadly, i don’t think this will go away (i don’t think it is an indication of how well or bad your relationship is going).  because i’m married, i’ve decided that i won’t pursue them and that the richness of my life will be greater for it, because my investment is with levon. i think it is possible that i could have a good life with any number of people, but i’ve chosen this one and this one (and our life) will be better if i keep my promise to him.

this is my perspective because i am married. i would probably have a different one if i weren’t.

i hope this letter is helpful and not frustrating. please feel free to think aloud as much as you need. and to ask any questions you are wondering about (not that i will have an answer, but i will at least share my experiences). and know that you aren’t crazy (if you are that makes two of us, because i’ve been there and freak out about being married often).

sending peace and love your way,

ashley

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