Tag Archives: walking on a dream
[ from a. addair who is listening to Empire of the Sun (Walking on a Dream) ]
The following is an excerpt from an entry I wrote about 6 weeks ago but never got around to posting:
“That’s the big news. We’re tickled pink or blue. I’m feeling so excited, happy, awestruck, grateful, full of love and totally unprepared with panicky moments sliding into every 100 breaths. It feels similar to the way we fumbled through our engagement: really joyful but slightly disturbed because I knew we we’re walking into a dramatic reworking of life in utter idiocy and delight.
There are a zillion things to be afraid about and excited for. My mind jumps straight to my future engorged body, then to wondering how I will paint, then to a pair of sweet little baby boots this embryo has already acquired; then I wonder how close the baby will be born to Christmas and fret over folic acid intake. In short, I can’t focus on anything.”
We are now at 11 weeks and our little embryo has graduated to a fetus. The part where I can’t focus on anything remains though now it isn’t so much giddy fun for me. Between the bouts of nausea and fatigue I’m pretty well missing my old energy.
Turns out being pregnant has taken me deeper into my let-it-go training. I think I was making good progress before, but when your body tells you to stop, you really have to listen; it’s such a basic reminder that life is much bigger than my agenda. I’ve had to slow way way down and be much more flexible and gentle with myself than I had ever imagined I could be.
I recently started reading The Rise of the Creative Class by Richard Florida, in it he says that members of the creative class, “work at times when we are supposed to be off and play when we are supposed to be working. This is because creativity cannot be switched on and off at predetermined times, and is itself an odd mixture of work and play. Writing a book, producing a work of art or developing new software requires long periods of intense concentration, punctuated by the need to relax, incubate ideas and recharge.” I love to read someone else’s articulate expression which has only been a misty idea-vapor in my own brain. Seeing it there on a crisp, published page gives clarity and a sense of validation to the thought process I’ve been swimming in. Florida’s statement gave me peace about departing from an imposed daily work structure.
I know that the life I’ve chosen doesn’t have tidy, defined compartments. And I’m already beginning to understand that having a tiny human addition will make the lines between work, leisure, family and craft even blurrier.
I don’t have a conclusion. I’m still splashing around in murky waters but I can report growth: both in girth and in spirit. I don’t think its accurate to say that I’m swimming in this metaphorical ocean but I am learning to float on my back which is mostly about trust.